Mommy’s Mental Health

Hey blog, it's been awhile.

I have been stewing on a blog for a while now.

My struggle is how honest I want to be. This isn't exactly an anonymous venture, although sometimes I wish it was.

I wish I had been clever enough to start blogging with a pen name, a secret identity. That would make honesty way easier.

If there wasn't a face to the name.

I never like to make my blogs long.

I feel like you lose readers somewhere around 20 sentences but my topic will require more than my typical character limit.

Mental health.

More specifically Mommy Mental Health.

A little backstory….

Historically I was a laid back person.

My adolescent and teenage years would not be described as anxiety ridden. In fact they were the exact opposite.

I was relaxed, even sloppy.

I would say somewhere around 25 the changes started slowly creeping in.

That is the year that I got engaged. We bought a house.

At 26 I was married.

27 we had Grant.

28 we welcomed Carter.

Busy couple of years, no arguing that.

My anxiety started then.

First it was manageable.

A racing heart every now and then.

Then the chest pains started.

Mix in a little shortness of breath

Next the "jitters"

Sometimes my hands or feet would go numb and tingle.

Finally hyperventilating.

My mom says she can always tell because my eyes get wide.

My anxiety attacks are triggered at nothing and everything.

I'm having a little attack now as I type this. Probably a 2 on the scale of 1-10.

I have gone to my doctor about this several times over the past 5 years.

He would prescribe Lexapro. I would take it. My anxiety was manageable.

I hit 30 and I think I outgrew the Lexapro. It wasn't working.

My anxiety was/is worse than ever.

At times I have had to question if I was really losing my mind.

It is really really bad.

My anxiety has put me into "overdrive" in other areas of my life.

GERMS- I am now a "germaphobe" constantly cleaning, worrying about germs.

WORK-I work longer and harder at my job then I ever had before.

LIFE-Organizing everything is a priority.

As I sat in the psychiatrist's office I wouldn't dare touch the magazines.

All I could think of was the scuz that was on them from other people hands.

That's right I said psychiatrist.

I am strong enough to admit when something is beyond my control and I need help.

Plus Casey made encouraged me go.

I am now on a plethora of medication to get me to feel "normal."

I am almost 2 weeks into the meds and it typically take 3 weeks to feel the full effect.

I feel better but I'm not yet where I want to be.

The stupid pills make me so tired I am dragging ass at 5:00, I could use a good nap at 3:00.

I had sneaking suspicions that I had a little OCD.

I am happy to report that I do not have OCD.

I have OCD personality traits. There is a difference.

One you live with and one you medicate. I am living with mine.

So that is where I am today with mommy's mental health.

I am a work in progress.

It is time for the afternoon pill.