Making the Move

We have lived in our lovely 3 bedroom 1.5 bath home for 5 years.

It is the place where we returned to after our honeymoon.

We brought both of our beautiful boys home from the hospital.

We have watched them grow into the tiny little men they are today within the walls.

It has been home.

We made the family decision that it would be in our best interest to move closer to my mom.

We currently live 30 minutes (or 15 miles) away.

My mom (or Grammy as she is called by the boys) watches them every day.

Grant attends the Preschool which is literally in her backyard.

My entire family lives within a 10 minute drive.

Except us.

In the morning I wake at 5:15 am.

The boys are up by 6:00.

We leave by 6:30, breakfast in the car.

To Grammy's by 7:00.

Leave Grammy's by 7:10.

Pick up carpool in next subdivision and on the road to work/school by 7:20.

Arrive to Kennedy at 7:45.

Total drive time 1 hour and 15 minutes. EACH WAY.

We do it all over again after school at 4:00.

It is insane.

A waste of time.

And super expensive due to the outrageous price of gas.

We want to move to Affton.

That's right. We are coming home!

Since the housing market SUCKS and we have invested lots and lots of money into our house already we have decided to rent it out.

{SIGH}

This is a decision I am very nervous about but have decided to take a leap of faith.

So here we go.

Rent my house please.

A Letter to my B

what a diffrence 2 years makes...a baby to big boy

I can't believe you are 2 but at the same time I feel like you were a baby a million years ago.
Honey you are giving me a run for my money. There is not another person on the planet that can drive me CRAZY and make me smile all within the same minute.
You are so very special and I hope I can always help you remember that. I truly love both you and your brother more than anything in the whole world. When I look back at my life, and think about the things I am most proud of…it will be you guys. Never forget how much I love you.

You have had a big year little guy!

You started this year as a crawler and are not a full fledge walker/runner/sprinter
You were diagnosed with one million different allergies and have had to swear off eggs.
We introduced the epi pen into your life
You had some rough bouts of eczema, you may be a tough guy but you have some sensitive skin
You battled a multitude of ear infections, one you just couldn't shake, but pulled through like a trooper.
You found a love for all things related to the kitchen: pots, pans, bowls, spoons. I have had to empty and hide the contents of many of our drawers and cabinets
You have successfully broken the baby proofing mechanism on each and every cabinet
You got your first big boy hair cut thanks to dad. Mom was not a fan so we are growing it out. It's more your style.
You outgrew all clothes that are "months" and are now sporting a solid 2T
You shoe size jumped to an 8
You weigh 28lbs.
You are in a size 5 diaper even though you are just about ready to be potty trained we are holding out till summer.
You love the water, but are afraid of heights.
Your best friends are Uncle Kevin and Paw-Paw. You LOVE to call them on the phone and have LONG conversations.
Currently you are speaking in some kind of English/Japanese hybrid that is understandable only at certain times. You have a clear vocabulary of about 25 consistent words.
You love to play outside
You love bye-byes but are not always a fan of the car seat.

You make me proud to be your mom and I couldn't love you more.

Happy Birthday B. Mommy loves.

Mommy’s Mental Health

Hey blog, it's been awhile.

I have been stewing on a blog for a while now.

My struggle is how honest I want to be. This isn't exactly an anonymous venture, although sometimes I wish it was.

I wish I had been clever enough to start blogging with a pen name, a secret identity. That would make honesty way easier.

If there wasn't a face to the name.

I never like to make my blogs long.

I feel like you lose readers somewhere around 20 sentences but my topic will require more than my typical character limit.

Mental health.

More specifically Mommy Mental Health.

A little backstory….

Historically I was a laid back person.

My adolescent and teenage years would not be described as anxiety ridden. In fact they were the exact opposite.

I was relaxed, even sloppy.

I would say somewhere around 25 the changes started slowly creeping in.

That is the year that I got engaged. We bought a house.

At 26 I was married.

27 we had Grant.

28 we welcomed Carter.

Busy couple of years, no arguing that.

My anxiety started then.

First it was manageable.

A racing heart every now and then.

Then the chest pains started.

Mix in a little shortness of breath

Next the "jitters"

Sometimes my hands or feet would go numb and tingle.

Finally hyperventilating.

My mom says she can always tell because my eyes get wide.

My anxiety attacks are triggered at nothing and everything.

I'm having a little attack now as I type this. Probably a 2 on the scale of 1-10.

I have gone to my doctor about this several times over the past 5 years.

He would prescribe Lexapro. I would take it. My anxiety was manageable.

I hit 30 and I think I outgrew the Lexapro. It wasn't working.

My anxiety was/is worse than ever.

At times I have had to question if I was really losing my mind.

It is really really bad.

My anxiety has put me into "overdrive" in other areas of my life.

GERMS- I am now a "germaphobe" constantly cleaning, worrying about germs.

WORK-I work longer and harder at my job then I ever had before.

LIFE-Organizing everything is a priority.

As I sat in the psychiatrist's office I wouldn't dare touch the magazines.

All I could think of was the scuz that was on them from other people hands.

That's right I said psychiatrist.

I am strong enough to admit when something is beyond my control and I need help.

Plus Casey made encouraged me go.

I am now on a plethora of medication to get me to feel "normal."

I am almost 2 weeks into the meds and it typically take 3 weeks to feel the full effect.

I feel better but I'm not yet where I want to be.

The stupid pills make me so tired I am dragging ass at 5:00, I could use a good nap at 3:00.

I had sneaking suspicions that I had a little OCD.

I am happy to report that I do not have OCD.

I have OCD personality traits. There is a difference.

One you live with and one you medicate. I am living with mine.

So that is where I am today with mommy's mental health.

I am a work in progress.

It is time for the afternoon pill.

Depression and Soft Serve

Below is an actual text convo that I sent to one of my very best friends tonight. I thought it perfectly captured my feelings and truly conveyed my writing skills:

ME: OMG Carter is wearing 2T. I'm dying. These are Grant’s clothes from last year. He is a big boy. Minor depression has set in. No more outfits with the word "months" in the size. Scratch that. Major depression setting in. P.S. I'm fat and too lazy to really care. Send help or brownies with vanilla soft serve.

FRIEND: Awwww that sucks!!! Talk to me when you buy size 6-7 LOL I’ve been suicidal for years. Let’s eat brownies together.

ME: No I’m fat. I know it. I hate it. Yet can’t find the inner drive to really give a crap.                      I wish texting burned calories

FRIEND:  If ur fat than I’m Carnie Wilson eating that tiny piece of toast…

Another wonderful example of why a girl needs really good friends in her life.

You can be fat, dreaming of vanilla soft serve, crying into the onesie that no longer fits your toddler and they can still make you laugh.

And that is PRICELESS.