Making the Move

We have lived in our lovely 3 bedroom 1.5 bath home for 5 years.

It is the place where we returned to after our honeymoon.

We brought both of our beautiful boys home from the hospital.

We have watched them grow into the tiny little men they are today within the walls.

It has been home.

We made the family decision that it would be in our best interest to move closer to my mom.

We currently live 30 minutes (or 15 miles) away.

My mom (or Grammy as she is called by the boys) watches them every day.

Grant attends the Preschool which is literally in her backyard.

My entire family lives within a 10 minute drive.

Except us.

In the morning I wake at 5:15 am.

The boys are up by 6:00.

We leave by 6:30, breakfast in the car.

To Grammy's by 7:00.

Leave Grammy's by 7:10.

Pick up carpool in next subdivision and on the road to work/school by 7:20.

Arrive to Kennedy at 7:45.

Total drive time 1 hour and 15 minutes. EACH WAY.

We do it all over again after school at 4:00.

It is insane.

A waste of time.

And super expensive due to the outrageous price of gas.

We want to move to Affton.

That's right. We are coming home!

Since the housing market SUCKS and we have invested lots and lots of money into our house already we have decided to rent it out.

{SIGH}

This is a decision I am very nervous about but have decided to take a leap of faith.

So here we go.

Rent my house please.

A Letter to my B

what a diffrence 2 years makes...a baby to big boy

I can't believe you are 2 but at the same time I feel like you were a baby a million years ago.
Honey you are giving me a run for my money. There is not another person on the planet that can drive me CRAZY and make me smile all within the same minute.
You are so very special and I hope I can always help you remember that. I truly love both you and your brother more than anything in the whole world. When I look back at my life, and think about the things I am most proud of…it will be you guys. Never forget how much I love you.

You have had a big year little guy!

You started this year as a crawler and are not a full fledge walker/runner/sprinter
You were diagnosed with one million different allergies and have had to swear off eggs.
We introduced the epi pen into your life
You had some rough bouts of eczema, you may be a tough guy but you have some sensitive skin
You battled a multitude of ear infections, one you just couldn't shake, but pulled through like a trooper.
You found a love for all things related to the kitchen: pots, pans, bowls, spoons. I have had to empty and hide the contents of many of our drawers and cabinets
You have successfully broken the baby proofing mechanism on each and every cabinet
You got your first big boy hair cut thanks to dad. Mom was not a fan so we are growing it out. It's more your style.
You outgrew all clothes that are "months" and are now sporting a solid 2T
You shoe size jumped to an 8
You weigh 28lbs.
You are in a size 5 diaper even though you are just about ready to be potty trained we are holding out till summer.
You love the water, but are afraid of heights.
Your best friends are Uncle Kevin and Paw-Paw. You LOVE to call them on the phone and have LONG conversations.
Currently you are speaking in some kind of English/Japanese hybrid that is understandable only at certain times. You have a clear vocabulary of about 25 consistent words.
You love to play outside
You love bye-byes but are not always a fan of the car seat.

You make me proud to be your mom and I couldn't love you more.

Happy Birthday B. Mommy loves.

Mommy’s Mental Health

Hey blog, it's been awhile.

I have been stewing on a blog for a while now.

My struggle is how honest I want to be. This isn't exactly an anonymous venture, although sometimes I wish it was.

I wish I had been clever enough to start blogging with a pen name, a secret identity. That would make honesty way easier.

If there wasn't a face to the name.

I never like to make my blogs long.

I feel like you lose readers somewhere around 20 sentences but my topic will require more than my typical character limit.

Mental health.

More specifically Mommy Mental Health.

A little backstory….

Historically I was a laid back person.

My adolescent and teenage years would not be described as anxiety ridden. In fact they were the exact opposite.

I was relaxed, even sloppy.

I would say somewhere around 25 the changes started slowly creeping in.

That is the year that I got engaged. We bought a house.

At 26 I was married.

27 we had Grant.

28 we welcomed Carter.

Busy couple of years, no arguing that.

My anxiety started then.

First it was manageable.

A racing heart every now and then.

Then the chest pains started.

Mix in a little shortness of breath

Next the "jitters"

Sometimes my hands or feet would go numb and tingle.

Finally hyperventilating.

My mom says she can always tell because my eyes get wide.

My anxiety attacks are triggered at nothing and everything.

I'm having a little attack now as I type this. Probably a 2 on the scale of 1-10.

I have gone to my doctor about this several times over the past 5 years.

He would prescribe Lexapro. I would take it. My anxiety was manageable.

I hit 30 and I think I outgrew the Lexapro. It wasn't working.

My anxiety was/is worse than ever.

At times I have had to question if I was really losing my mind.

It is really really bad.

My anxiety has put me into "overdrive" in other areas of my life.

GERMS- I am now a "germaphobe" constantly cleaning, worrying about germs.

WORK-I work longer and harder at my job then I ever had before.

LIFE-Organizing everything is a priority.

As I sat in the psychiatrist's office I wouldn't dare touch the magazines.

All I could think of was the scuz that was on them from other people hands.

That's right I said psychiatrist.

I am strong enough to admit when something is beyond my control and I need help.

Plus Casey made encouraged me go.

I am now on a plethora of medication to get me to feel "normal."

I am almost 2 weeks into the meds and it typically take 3 weeks to feel the full effect.

I feel better but I'm not yet where I want to be.

The stupid pills make me so tired I am dragging ass at 5:00, I could use a good nap at 3:00.

I had sneaking suspicions that I had a little OCD.

I am happy to report that I do not have OCD.

I have OCD personality traits. There is a difference.

One you live with and one you medicate. I am living with mine.

So that is where I am today with mommy's mental health.

I am a work in progress.

It is time for the afternoon pill.

Depression and Soft Serve

Below is an actual text convo that I sent to one of my very best friends tonight. I thought it perfectly captured my feelings and truly conveyed my writing skills:

ME: OMG Carter is wearing 2T. I'm dying. These are Grant’s clothes from last year. He is a big boy. Minor depression has set in. No more outfits with the word "months" in the size. Scratch that. Major depression setting in. P.S. I'm fat and too lazy to really care. Send help or brownies with vanilla soft serve.

FRIEND: Awwww that sucks!!! Talk to me when you buy size 6-7 LOL I’ve been suicidal for years. Let’s eat brownies together.

ME: No I’m fat. I know it. I hate it. Yet can’t find the inner drive to really give a crap.                      I wish texting burned calories

FRIEND:  If ur fat than I’m Carnie Wilson eating that tiny piece of toast…

Another wonderful example of why a girl needs really good friends in her life.

You can be fat, dreaming of vanilla soft serve, crying into the onesie that no longer fits your toddler and they can still make you laugh.

And that is PRICELESS.

Thank You for Being a Friend

Driving to Chicago with some of my best friends allowed me to have some much overdue bonding time.

"Bonding time" is really code word for 36 straight hours of intense counseling.

My friends are the best listeners and give the best advice.

And holy crap they are FUNNY!!!

I love being with you guys.

No one can make me laugh like you.

I miss the old days,

but these days I have learned to appreciate you even more.

The reason for the trip...Vanessa is having a baby!

It’s a SIGN….

So I am taking a cue from Ted Williams. This seemed work for him so I figured I would give it a try on Casey's behalf. Come on cardboard sign work your magic….

References available upon request. All inquires sent to :sullica33@yahoo.com

 

Bring It

Alright 2011…bring it.

I am ready for you…..I think.

At least I am telling myself I am.

This year I am going to……

● be financially stable. Not rich, not poor, just normal…happy. {insert sigh here}

● give more time to my family. Make them the priority all the time, always above work. Always.

● be healthy. Not for vain reasons but for health. I want to be here for my boys for as long as possible and engaging in a more healthy/active lifestyle will help ensure that.

● be a better wife. Devote the same amount of time I do to my boys, my job, and my family to Casey. (yes I need more hours in my day).

Those are my "resolutions." They are in writing. They are official.

Bring it 2011…

2010 didn't kill me. It only made me stronger. I am going to be one hell of a competitor.

You have been warned.

My First Round of Plastic Surgery

Both of my boys have a stuffed dog named Dominic.

When I took Grant up for his nap today we found Dominic like this.

pre-op

When asked what happened to Dominic, Grant said “Daddy did it.”

Dominic was rushed downstairs for emergency plastic surgery.

Dominic needed his ears done.

Although I not crafty by any means I was able to reattach the ear with few complications from surgery.

Dominic is in bed resting comfortably and is very medicated.

post-op

Falling For You

It is cold today.

There was an ice storm last night.

Schools have been called off.

My school is still in session (snow schedule).

My husband was nice enough to get the driveway prepped for my departure.

When he came inside I noticed a trail of what looked like Oreo cookie crumbs behind him.

I asked what the mess was.

The conversation went like this:

ME: what is all over the floor?
HIM: dirt.
ME: dirt?
HIM: Yeah, we didn't have any salt or sand. I put down potting soil for traction.

I did not reply.

I just took out my Dust Buster and cleaned up the mess.

I couldn't make this crap up.

SIDE NOTE:

Potting soil is not effective as an ice melt.

It makes frozen mud.

That is slippery.

I fell.

It hurt.

Next Time Around

They always say hindsight is 20/20.

Looking back you can always see how you would have, could have, or should have done things differently.

Until recently I never really looked at my life like that.

Until recently…

Today I am very much in the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" mode.

It is a sucky mode to be in.

It makes my heart heavy.

Sticks and stones may break my bones…

but words sometimes really hurt too.

Sometimes words do the most serious damage.

Wordless Wednesday

My Wednesdays are NEVER wordless…so why do I even bother?

Our Christmas tree is finally up. It takes all of 5 minutes.

The sucker opens up like an umbrella and already has the lights on it.

It is a sad pathetic little guy.

It is especially sad this year since there are no ornaments.

My youngest Carter is a spider monkey and he is going to take that tree down like a professional wrestler.

I thought we would forgo ornaments and save me from some headaches and Carter from some spankings.

Your welcome.  

It's a Charlie Brown Christmas



Toot Toot Baby.

What is that you smell at 10:30 pm????

Why that is meatloaf in the oven, and OH MY a pasta side dish too?!?!?

I think I may have outdone myself.

I worked late tonight and I will work late tomorrow.

Instead of leaving all three of the boys high and dry…I stayed up EXTRA late and made them dinner for tomorrow.

I even went as far to cook if for Casey.

All he has to do is microwave a very well balanced meal prepared with love.

[insert vomit noise here]

I don't usually like to brag but OMG I may be the best wife ever.

Oh…I forgot to mention that I pureed carrots and "hid" them in the meatloaf.

Genius.

Just call me Martha or Superwoman. Whichever is fine with me.

Toot Toot Baby!

Welcome to the Crack House

When you are on an anorexic budget like I am,

Black Friday and Cyber Monday are like crack to a junkie.

I can barely muster the strength to resist.

I am being tempted via email, Facebook, and Twitter.

Promises of free shipping and unbelievable discounts are luring me in.

Every *DING* indicating a new email means more temptation lurks just waiting to pounce.

I really can't take it!

Ann Taylor Loft with your 40% and free shipping!!! STOP IT!!

Banana Republic, Gap, and Old Navy…you evil conglomerate!

I will not shop. I can not shop.

But OH MY GOD I want to.

Please DEAR LORD let Casey get a job soon!

I'm going to go dip my debit card in water and put it in the freezer.

My version of rehab.

All I want for Christmas…

So is it wrong for me to have paint top the things I want on my Christmas list?

I get these random desires to upgrade things in my house.

Tonight…I desperately want to give my fireplace a makeover.

I have found a product that will do EXACTLY what I want (insert CHEER here).

Downside is that is cost almost $300 (Booooo)

What is a highly motivated, financially challenged girl to do?

You know the commercials on TV that show impoverished children? They ask for a donation.

Well I know that my cause is nothing compared to the plight of the poor…but does my picture elicit sympathy??

 

Property Value

Our neighbor's house is on the market.
It is owned by a little old lady and decorated as such. I did a little internet stalking to verify.
It is only a two bedroom one bath.
Ours is 3 beds 1.5 bath.
When I saw the asking price I about fell off my couch.
It is $35,000 LESS then we bought our house for 5 years ago!!
Holy shit. We are never going to be able to move!
I did a zillow search on our house and it is listed as $20,000 less than our purchase price.
Holy shit.
The recession is over, didn't you hear?
I'll just ignore the fact that my husband is out of work and our property value continues to fall and believe everything I hear.
God bless Democrats.

Wordless Wednesday

Look at how I rank....nice.

 Grant is thankful for....

One of those days…

I set my alarm to work out this morning.

Today like soooo many other days it did not happen.

I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep….I overslept.

I woke at 6:20 a full HOUR past my usual wake up time.

I was flustered…ran to the bathroom and began to brush my teeth

with face wash.

Yes…I brushed my teeth with my face wash. I still have the taste in my mouth.

Will my teeth now benefit from the same anti-aging benefits the bottle promises?

Gross.

My face wash gave me heartburn.

Neat.

 

Fumbs Up

There are certain characteristics that every mom hopes their child will inherit.
For me there are traits I was hoping would skip a generation.
my obnoxious height
frompy hair
poor math skills
Well Grant was dealt a bad hand, or I guess it is more appropriate to say he was dealt a bad thumb.
He has inherited my Trigger Thumbs.
When I was under 2 years old I had to have surgery to release the tendons in my thumbs to make them fully functional.
It came to my attention a few weeks ago that Grant may suffer from the same problem.
We were playing thumb war or as he says "fumb war" and he said "Look mommy my fumb is broken. It won't go up" and he was right it wouldn't go up. His left thumb was locked into place at the first joint.
I called the pediatrician, she referred me to a pediatric orthopedists. We had an appointment and surgery is scheduled on December 1, Paw-Paws 60^th birthday so I'm sure that is a good sign.
As you can imagine I am nervous about my little guy being put under and having surgery but he is super excited about giving me a fumbs up when it is all over.
I love you buddy!

Scrooge?

So the countdown to Christmas has officially begun.
Walking into our house you will instantly be accosted with the sounds of Grant shouting "mommy buy me that" at every commercial break on TV.
We have a stack, an actual STACK of toy magazine and sale flyers that my boys look through and highlight what they want. Now remember they are 3 and 19 months and they are already in the "buy me that" stage.
I have been asked my family already what we would like for Christmas. For the boys – it is easy. I already have a healthy list form the "buy me that" suggestions. It is easy for me to tell other people what to buy my boys. What I don't say out loud is that I am afraid of what WE will buy our boys.
The extra income just is not there for the Christmas I had planned. I will be able to swing presents under the tree but nothing we can provide will live up to the boys' expectations. That breaks my heart. I know other people are in much worse situations but I am new to this and in my eyes not being able to give my boys everything they want breaks my heart. Literally.
I am also slightly sick to my stomach about my own Christmas list. My mom has been quazi-stalking me for if for a while. And if I am going to be real honest here, which I try to do on this blog, I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I would ask for anything for Christmas when we are running so low on money. The idea of getting a new purse or clothes is so insane when I get anxiety attacks when I check out at the grocery store.
What do I want for Christmas? I would like the peace of mind that everything will be OK. I want my husband to feel better about our situation and to land the job of his dreams. I want this to all go away. I also wouldn't mind if Jason's Deli failed a health inspection and closed down. A girl can dream right?

Dear Jason’s Deli

Dear Jason's Deli,
This is addressed specifically to your Chesterfield, MO location.
You suck.
In case you were not aware your company is based on 5 core values as stated by your President Joe Tortorice:
Taken from Food & Drink Magazine

While developing the culture of Jason's Deli, "We came up with five principle core values," he states, noting that those include:
•    Being a great place to work
•    Holding the highest personal standards
•    Providing "out-of-this-world" service
•    Serving the highest quality of food
•    Being a healthy, growing company

 I personally take issue with #1, #2, #5 for the reasons below:
#1 Being a great place to work – you were until you laid off my husband on October 8, with no severance package. You may be a great place to work but you are a horrible place to leave.
 #2 Holding the highest personal standards- Really? How much detail do I need to go into here? My husband had to go to training for 12 weeks beginning in October 2009 in Iowa. We live in Missouri. He left his wife and two children (2 years old and 7 months) to live 6 hours away for 12 weeks because he believed in the company he worked for. He was let go less than a year from the opening day. His job was given to a friend of the store owners, the best man at one of their weddings. Need I say more?
#5 Being a healthy, growing company The Chesterfield store was not making the numbers so my husband lost his job. Not so healthy.

I hope you understand the position you have left my family in. For this and countless other reasons I will never go to another Jason's Deli. I have told my friends, they have told their friends, and so on.

 I recommend watching what you say about your company. You may want to check it is true before you put it in print or base your mission upon it. Not smart. Not smart at all.