Play Ball…

Tonight my little guy is at his very first baseball game with his dad. I have to wonder, when did this happen? When did he get old enough for this? I'm sure other moms can relate to this…there are times when I look at my two boys and I can catch a glimpse, just a glimpse, of what they are going to look like as big boys. I see their little man faces poking out behind the baby eyes looking at me. When this happens I get goose bumps. I can see them growing up right before my eyes.

The other night they were in the tubby, being absolutely crazy as usual. I was tired; it was the end of a long day. I was ready to dry those two boys off and throw them in bed. I was counting the minutes until I had a single moment to myself. Then Grant said, "Hey mommy look at us." I looked and they were both standing up in the tub smiling at me. I had an official mom moment and right then it didn't matter that I had worked all day, had a two hour commute, and had tortilla chips and diet coke all day. What mattered was these two little boys, soaking wet, smiling at me.

Moments like the tubby make me realize that my tiny little guys are only little for such a short amount of time. People tell me this constantly, but I do not really get it until I experience it for myself. I see this a lot with Grant lately. He is almost 3, full of opinions and little quirks. We are currently trying to tackle potty training and that is another blog post so stay tuned. Carter, although he is walking, is still a baby. He is limited in communication but a snuggler at heart.
They are growing up right before my eyes and I have to make a conscious effort to take a moment. Too often I get caught up in the crap of my day and lose sight of what is really important. Their names are Grant and Carter and they are my heart.

This One is for You Dear.

I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw when I say this….but I can't help but wonder…can I really have it all?

This is a blog that has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. There are things that happen on a daily basis that make me question my sanity. Am I crazy for trying to do all this? You may ask what is "all this"? Well to me "all of this" is being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and full-time employee. I am all of these roles every day. Now I am not saying that by any means I am alone in this venture, I know millions of women strap on a sack and carry this full load everyday of their life and have been doing so for decades. At the same time I do not think that juggling these multiple roles is something everyone can do.

For me the major hurdle lately has been the comparisons. As women we are tough not only on ourselves, but also on each other. So naturally I compare myself to my friends, sisters, and coworkers. I keep a mental set of checks and balances of how I measure up against my imaginary competition (crazy I know). Personally I feel like in most venues, I am competitive with others around me, meaning I am as good as those I am comparing myself to. Now I KNOW others are better than me in countless things and I am in no way tooting my own horn. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. This comparison, although insane, does not bother me because it is self-induced. I am doing it to myself. The comparison I have issues with is when people in my life compare me to others. When this happens I feel like I never quite measure up. They always look at the grass as greener. I am never as good as X. They love their husband more, they are more outgoing, they cook more often, they are more adventurous, they are –fill in the blank-, they are just overall better. You get the picture.

Although I feel like I need to be everything to everyone all the time, the relationship I feel that I really need to focus on is the one with Casey. I used to feel different about this. I use to feel like once you had kids, marriage went on autopilot and all the energy went to the kids. I would always say that Casey would not die if I did not give him 100%, my kids however could fail to thrive and that would be ALL MY FAULT. I was responsible for creating a person. Flash forward, I am now responsible for creating and maintaining two people. That is a serious endeavor. I would like to preface my next statement by saying it is really stupid….While watching Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood this season (a show which I am obsessed with – so much so I stole Tori's haircut yesterday!) I was reassured that every married couple experiences growing pains after kids. God this sounds so stupid….but I really related to Tori when she was talking about her kids. My boys are a permanent extension of me and while I feel like Casey has the luxury of turning the dad switch off, I never stop being a mom. No matter where I am, what time it is, or who I am with, I will forever be Grant and Carter's mom. Being both a full time wife and mother is something I continue to struggle with. How do you give 100% of yourself to multiple people at the same time? I always feel like I am short changing someone, which brings me to my original question….can I really have it all?

I am not really looking for an answer here, this is more of a very public rant. A deep breath if you will, or as my good friend Vanessa says, I am having a moment.

I have not seen Sex and the City 2 so maybe Carrie will teach me a few things in the second installment. Tori and Dean had the season finale so I will have to wait on the edge of my seat for some more relationship advice. Maybe I should start reading her books…just a thought.

Flowers are Forever and so is Forever 21.

So it happened. I turned 30. What is weird about this is that I am not freaked out about the number. It is the fact that I am 30 that I find so very strange.

 

Things to ponder…when my mom was 30 she had 4 kids. When my mom was 30 her dad passed away. I remember when my mom was a room mother at my grade school. She was 34 when I was in 3^rd grade. She was at a party for school and I remember looking at her and thinking she was so old. Now I am there, right where she was, and I do not feel old.

Other things I am wondering…Do I have to stop shopping at Forever 21 now that I am 9 years past their target market? Will I throw off the whole marketing strategy for the store? If I am in fact 30 why do I still care about things on my college campus? For example what is going on in my sorority and if the girls are still considered "cool" (when I say cool I also mean not slutty
J) I mean seriously, why do I care?

 

I am the oldest in my family so naturally there are family traditions that are applicable to the youngest kids but are not really relevant to someone my age. For example I now have 30 years of pictures of me and birthday cake, I still sit in the family room surrounded my siblings to open my birthday presents and pass them around for a closer look. My dad had gotten me flowers every year on June 13 since 1980. I asked him this year how long he will bring me flowers for. His answer was, forever. I am going to hold you to that dad.

 

Looking back on the past 30 years makes me realize that right now, in this very moment, I am living the life I dreamed about when I was a little girl. If I could stop time right now and freeze my boys, parents, and family in time I would. I love things just the way they are. I wish time did not have to move forward. I don't say this for the obvious vain reasons, but because as I get older I know my parents do too. It is a scary fact that I don't want to face. Why am I talking about it now? Maybe my one glass of wine has given me the liquid courage I need, but I am allowing my mind to wonder to that scary place. 99% of the time I can say I want to be just like my mom. However as I said my mom lost her dad at 30. This scares me so very much. I can't go there. I do consider myself so very lucky. My mom is my best friend and my dad made me a promise of flowers forever and a promise is a promise.

The Text Heard Around the World

I guess what they say is true. When it rains, it pours.

Now of course I am being slightly mellow dramatic when I make this statement. Lets look at today as an example. Last night I FINALLY got my kitchen put back together. The doors are hung and new baseboards up. Sigh of relief. Life may return to normal after the week long tile encounter. Side note here…I do LOVE my new floor. I mean I walk into my kitchen and I actually smile. My tile makes me happy which is a sad statement in and of itself. So the kitchen is put back together and I go to bed. Scene…right? Wrong. Cut to this morning.

Typical morning. I get up, get ready, get the boys up, we do breakfast, and get dressed. I had attempted to get Carter to eat beans for dinner, kidney beans specifically. Side note….I feel like he does not get enough protein, he does not eat meat and by recommendation of his allergist avoids nuts like the black plague. So I tried beans, no dice. So this morning I took the bag of beans that had been soaking for the past 15 hours and dumped them down the garbage disposal. Really stupid move. Fast forward….sink clogged, pipe leaking, garbage disposable jammed. All before 7:30 am. Thank god I had a cup of tea first. My clean, perfect, newly put together kitchen is now covered in a mash of bean mess. Sick. With little time to spare and Casey's plunging attempt a failure. I put a bucket under the leaky sink and leave to drop off the boys. On my way to work I stop for a both a coffee AND a diet mountain dew at Quick Trip, I knew it was going to be that kind of day. I get to work to discover that I had left my laptop and portfolio at home, go back home and retrieve the necessary items. At his point it is 8:45. I have already driven for over an hour and have not accomplished any actual "work" at the job I get paid for. I need to take a moment to feel sorry for myself – insert feeling sorry for myself here - . I make it back to work, and settle into my routine, ready to get down to business. I then hear the beep of my phone indicating a text.

Now the ladies out there know how I feel. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You do more before 8:00 am than most people do in a day. You go to a job you resent because you really want to spend your days at home with your babies. You feel like you have burned your days worth of calories running to and from your car. When you are stressed you tend to take it out on your husband. When you need help you don't want him to ask "what can I do" you want him to read your mind and meet your needs.

But anyway I degrees, I get a text. It is from Casey. It is three little words. Think about the combination of words this could be. What could brighten my day? What could ease my stress? Was it I love you? You're the best? You are hot? NOPE. It was three words that sealed my deal. It was the icing on my cake. The text said, WHATS FOR DINNER. Enough said.