When it Rains it Pours

I don't want sympathy. I most definitely do not want pity.
I just need to get it all out there.
My recent blog posts have been about life handing you a lemon….
I have used various takes on this cliché to fit our current situation.
Well here is another one.
When it rains it pours.
My grandma always said bad things happen in 3. Here is our recent breakdown:

1. October 8 Casey loses his job
2. October 18 Casey hospitalized for pneumonia
3. October 23 I discover Grant has a trigger thumb which will require surgery.He has his first consultation on 11/8

I have quit saying "well it could be worse" because it keeps getting worse.
Casey is still so very sick which is making it very hard for him to look for jobs. He went on an interview yesterday and it wiped him out. He has probably lost 15 pounds. He is too sick to do this, but he has to for his family and for himself.
His pride and his immune system have been damaged.
I hate to see him go through this.
So how do I feel…
I am still so angry and shocked that we are in this situation. I am in a constant state of panic attack. I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest. My anxiety is off the charts. Writing this now I feel like I could cry.
This is just such a humbling experience, to watch every penny spent.
I am 30 years old and my mom and dad paid my son's tuition for the month. When I found out that they had done that for me I cried. My parents not only take care of me, but they are now taking care of my kids. It breaks my heart. I am so very thankful, but I can't help but be sad. This is my life.
As I said before I know there is a light at the end of this crappy tunnel. I have to believe that. I know we are going to emerge a better family and couple at the end of this. IT WILL BE OK. I tell myself that, I tell my boys that, I tell my parents that. Now I just have to believe it.

Love and Hope in Tiny Packages

Anyone who is a mom of boys knows that is can be tough.

They are crazy.

And I love them like crazy.
Since my guys are close in age I have always had the hope that they will grow up to be best friends.
The awesome part is I see that relationship forming already.
When they are not fighting over the train set or the last chicken nugget, you can see they truly care about each other.
Those moments melt my heart and make me realize that although I question myself as a mother almost on a daily basis I am doing something right.
My boys love me and love each other.
At the end of the day when I contemplate my current life status, I see areas of my life literally falling apart in front of my eyes.
My boys love….real unconditional love gives me faith in our family's future.
I gave them life.
They have changed mine.

I have 2 little guys, 18 months apart.

I have the bruises to prove it.
I am always told by random ignorant strangers "Boy you have your hands full."
My boys are full of energy, very determined, and already extremely opinionated.
They play rough.
They break the rules.
They push my patience to the absolute limit.

Sign of the Times

It is funny how life happens.
Really it is.
I woke up on Friday not worrying about money.
I went to bed thinking about our December mortgage payment.
I say this is funny, but I don't mean that in the conventional sense.
I guess ironic is more like it.
I was at Wal-Mart last night and before I checked out I put stuff back out of my cart.
I had never done that before. It was a real eye opener. I am here. We are here. My family is a statistic of the economy.
My husband lost his job. It still stings to write that sentence.
This is painful for me. But it is killing him. It is a massive strike to the male ego.
I am taking wisdom form the old country song and "standing by my man." I think I may actually love him a little bit more because of this and the way he is handling himself.
He is better than this. We are better than this.
I am certain we are going to come out of this stronger, better and smarter than we were at the start of the month. I can't say the same for my husband's soon to be former employer.
We are "lucky". He gets paid through October.
Take note this is a company that is "mission driven", based on "core values" what a crock of shit.
I say this as a warning to everyone. Don't think it won't happen to you. It can. It will. Be better prepared than we were.

Life’s Lemons

What does not kill you makes you stronger. True or False?
I kind of hate this phrase but at the same full heartily believe it. Sadly right now I am also living it.
Not really ready to fully divulge the situation, but know everyone is healthy and our family (both extended and nuclear) remains intact. At the end of the day that is what is really important. This I know, but it doesn't make our current situation any easier.
What does not kill you may drive you crazy.
This is my life's mantra. I know I will not die, but I may actually lose my mind. I am hoping to drop a few pounds in the process. The only silver lining in this shitty shitty situation (insert self pity here and a SIGH for good measure.)
I made this my FB status earlier this week: If life gives you lemons do you make lemonade…or throw them back and say F.U. lemons?
Well here is a big F.U. to the lemons and praying my lemonade has some vodka in it.