I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw when I say this….but I can't help but wonder…can I really have it all?
This is a blog that has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. There are things that happen on a daily basis that make me question my sanity. Am I crazy for trying to do all this? You may ask what is "all this"? Well to me "all of this" is being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and full-time employee. I am all of these roles every day. Now I am not saying that by any means I am alone in this venture, I know millions of women strap on a sack and carry this full load everyday of their life and have been doing so for decades. At the same time I do not think that juggling these multiple roles is something everyone can do.
For me the major hurdle lately has been the comparisons. As women we are tough not only on ourselves, but also on each other. So naturally I compare myself to my friends, sisters, and coworkers. I keep a mental set of checks and balances of how I measure up against my imaginary competition (crazy I know). Personally I feel like in most venues, I am competitive with others around me, meaning I am as good as those I am comparing myself to. Now I KNOW others are better than me in countless things and I am in no way tooting my own horn. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings. This comparison, although insane, does not bother me because it is self-induced. I am doing it to myself. The comparison I have issues with is when people in my life compare me to others. When this happens I feel like I never quite measure up. They always look at the grass as greener. I am never as good as X. They love their husband more, they are more outgoing, they cook more often, they are more adventurous, they are –fill in the blank-, they are just overall better. You get the picture.
Although I feel like I need to be everything to everyone all the time, the relationship I feel that I really need to focus on is the one with Casey. I used to feel different about this. I use to feel like once you had kids, marriage went on autopilot and all the energy went to the kids. I would always say that Casey would not die if I did not give him 100%, my kids however could fail to thrive and that would be ALL MY FAULT. I was responsible for creating a person. Flash forward, I am now responsible for creating and maintaining two people. That is a serious endeavor. I would like to preface my next statement by saying it is really stupid….While watching Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood this season (a show which I am obsessed with – so much so I stole Tori's haircut yesterday!) I was reassured that every married couple experiences growing pains after kids. God this sounds so stupid….but I really related to Tori when she was talking about her kids. My boys are a permanent extension of me and while I feel like Casey has the luxury of turning the dad switch off, I never stop being a mom. No matter where I am, what time it is, or who I am with, I will forever be Grant and Carter's mom. Being both a full time wife and mother is something I continue to struggle with. How do you give 100% of yourself to multiple people at the same time? I always feel like I am short changing someone, which brings me to my original question….can I really have it all?
I am not really looking for an answer here, this is more of a very public rant. A deep breath if you will, or as my good friend Vanessa says, I am having a moment.
I have not seen Sex and the City 2 so maybe Carrie will teach me a few things in the second installment. Tori and Dean had the season finale so I will have to wait on the edge of my seat for some more relationship advice. Maybe I should start reading her books…just a thought.
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